Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 - A Year In Review

I fear you will not know what is ahead, sweet darlings
that this next day will bring with it a morning so crisp
a year you will never call your own
a year you'll never touch

I fear that the songs we shared, the intertwinings,
will fade with the music, softly, a dream
a year without you
a year without so many pieces of me

I fear you've given me new eyes, old heart
the venomous Courage, the conniving Hope
a year with freshly pressed beginnings
a year with heavy hands to carry; missing yours

Feeling everything so deeply
Feeling nothing at all.

It feels every bit justified to end 2014 somberly. I have been humbled this year by so many incredible new challenges. I sunk into running and hit some staggering, crazy-ass goals. I started working at a company that I am honored and thrilled to grow at every day. I was able to travel and am thankful to have gone on dozens of adventures in my very favorite novels. My best friends lived 5 minutes away, then 1,700 and 5,800 miles away. I said far, far too many goodbyes.

This post is weighted with thoughts of those I lost in 2014. Phil, Grandma Inez, Auntie Nani, Loren, Michelle, Bruce, Elna, Molly; I miss you all with an ache I never imagined a person could feel. I sometimes still find myself stepping outside in the chill of the night to look around at the world -- to feel cold, to feel small, to feel at all. I won't say I've struggled the most, though. My heart is heavy for those you have each left behind. My family in the form of college confidantes and sisters by the crescent moon, blood relations, adopted mentors, and the loves I get to call my friends. We each grieve in our own ways as we scramble to stand without your soft support.

And in those moments of brazen, sharp lows, I've found some very valuable things. Here is a list of a few things I am thankful for, as 2014 comes to a close:

  1.  Mom. What would the world be without Mom? I'm so grateful for her patience and great, big, strong, wild heart. 
  2. Running. Cathartic, contemplative, rhythmic, familiar, tough, rewarding, beautiful. I would not be me at all if I did not run. The miles in 2014 brought my first BQ, my toughest training yet, and some of the most fulfilling joys of the year.
  3. Camille, Addison, Ryan, & Rousseau. Through the candid laughter and rueful tears, a person is only as strong as the best friends they take with them. My best friends carried me through many parts of 2014, and at times taught me to walk alone, too. These people are strength. 
  4. Kathy. This woman has been my adopted mother since my pre-teens. This year, I am thankful for her grace, candor, beauty, and intense love. I hope someday to love anything as much as she loves and loved our Molly. When I grow up, I want to be half the woman she is every day.
  5. Books. Some of my greatest curers of rough days were authors I've never met, but hold very dear. I've folded into novels in moments of need and I could not be more thankful for their comfort.
Tomorrow I will be posting about the road ahead, my crazy-exciting dreams for 2015, and all of the intense adventures to come -- weddings, races, new horizons, and travels.

But for tonight, I bid farewell to the year that held so many last breaths. You will be missed, 2014, for you were their final keeper. With love. 

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